The Who, the Why, the What, and the How

I recently wrote a piece called the Why, the What, and the How. (You can see this here.)

However, recent reflection made me realise something. I’d missed out a crucial question in the framework.

You’ve guessed it: the Who. (Not the band.)

The person. The client. The coachee – you, potentially.

What do I mean?

Well, my previous iteration of the framework started with identifying your purpose. There is nothing wrong with that. Clients of mine have (I think) found it helpful. But it’s not always the most effective way.

This morning, I was preparing for a coaching session (on my new whiteboard paper with my recently-purchased purple pen - see photo below) and realised that I had missed out this crucial question. How did I come to this realisation? Well, it starts with a story.

I once had a coaching client who wanted to present themselves with more confidence. They were engaging, positive and friendly, but they wanted to be taken seriously (which they felt was not happening to date).

Over the course of two prolonged coaching sessions, I delved into who they really were. The more we uncovered, the more there was to learn. Towards the end of our second session, I felt that I had started to get to know the real them.

My client’s body language shifted. They looked more confident, held their head higher and filled the virtual room. Their face looked like it was shining. The issue that they had brought to me – that of confidence, executive presence – was resolved (at least in part), but not by focussing on the challenge itself. Instead, I had encouraged the client to tell their story. This then showed their motivations, purpose and – to some extent at least – their identity. The real them was so much more confident than the version they had been presenting to the world to this point.

So, I am updating my framework. Instead of starting with why (sorry, Simon Sinek), I now believe it is much more important and effective to start with who.

I recently began reading Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life. He makes a similar point in the first two chapters: You are here for a purpose. The fact that your DNA is structured the way it is is no accident. Regardless of your religious beliefs, I think the principle stands. It was written at the ancient oracle of Delphi to ‘Know thyself.’ I don’t think all wisdom can be found in ourselves, but for my little framework, in a coaching context, I think it might be helpful to work out who we really are before distilling what our purpose might be.

We are all unique. It sounds twee, but it’s true. You have a purpose. Knowing who you are, your strengths, values, motivations and unique perspectives is a great place from which to grow.

How can we know what our purpose is unless we first know what we can offer? CS Lewis, the author of the Narnia chronicles, said that one good indicator of a person’s calling is their life history to date. For example, if you have been fortunate enough to receive a good education and have a natural tendency to study then perhaps continuing to further study after school would suit you, followed by a career in knowledge work. It’s not a hard-and-fast rule, but often I think that there are themes in childhood and one’s early life that emerge later on.

A story from my own childhood might illustrate that point. When I was about 6, I wrote a poem. It’s the first poem I remember writing, and I took a little piece of paper (I think it was a sticky note), and went outside into my parents’ garden. I sat on the climbing frame and looked north towards Scotland. The leaves were rustling in a howling wind and a seagull flew overhead.

This poem was precious to me, but I was embarrassed, so I hid it under the mattress in my bunk bed that I shared with my older brother. Some time later, my brother was cleaning our room and he found the note paper. I was torn: on the one hand I was embarrassed, and this poem was so precious to me that I didn’t want him to see it. On the other hand, I think I might have really wanted someone to see it.

After my brother read the poem, he was very complimentary. He said it was really good, and that I ought not to hide it. He was almost angry in his passionate positivity. (I’m reminded of Jesus’ instruction not to hide your light under a bushel.)

Years later, in my early twenties, I underwent a detailed psychometric profiling exercise. One of the observations that my profiler made was that I needed ‘kind brothers’ (brother-like figures) around me to encourage me.

That little poet is still there on the inside. Interestingly, poetry is one of the few areas in my life where I don’t highly value external affirmation: Like Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy write in The Gap and the Gain, internal motivations are much more powerful and fulfilling than external ones. You can be ok without the external trappings of success. In fact, you might be even better: you might be you.

Here are some self-coaching questions to get you started. You can pick and choose the ones that work best (or are the most challenging) for you:

1. Who am I?

2. Who am I really?

3. What do other people say I am?

4. Who am I when nobody is looking?

5. What is the achievement I am most proud of?

6. If there is one thing I am most proud of, what would that be?

7. If you were to describe yourself in one word, what would that word be?

8. Imagine you have been offered an award (say, an OBE if you’re British). A journalist from your school newspaper wants to interview you to write a bio piece. What would you want them to say about you? What would you like the award for be for?